Ah, sweet angst

To be honest this has been the worst year so far. The claustrophia, the silence, the cold, the boredom, the heartbreak, the pressure, the dysfunctional family, the loneliness, the Mmm. Pensive. nervousness, the lack of money, the insomnia. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't relative to other years, especially last year - the fun, the sun, the lack of pressure, the mobility, the sights, the travel, the novelties, the love, the excitement. But everything remains relative and as much as I've tried I can't turn this one around. And such is life.

I turned to the food/exercise (guilt) cycle, I turned to San, and I turned to the internet. Without these things, which wholly and comprehensively sustain me, I would not have made the teamit. Without food/exercise I would have a gaping void, of both boredom and dissatisfaction, without San I would have a mental breakdown, and without the internet I would be so devoid of entertainment, relaxation, essential communication with my fabulous friends, and future opportunities.

It is with this in mind that I am taking the spring break to go back to California. It is not the answer to all my problems, I realise that and that is why I am applying to graduate programs, employment and academic, in many other places. But it is a place of sun, friends, and beauty which is exactly the incentive I need to carry on for 15 weeks here. I have the free plane ticket, the welcoming friends, and things to do when I get there, and in the meantime I can go to sleep at night in a place where I can't resolve my problems, as hard as I've tried, dreaming about a place where for me, there are few.